I am so so aware that the last thing a couple trying for a baby needs to hear when there are having problems conceiving is. ‘Just relax and it will happen….Relax and it will happen, you are too stressed… I have been told so many times that they just want to ‘PUNCH’ that person in the face… With the thoughts of how the hell am I supposed to relax… I want a baby. I want to be pregnant and I don’t want to be going through this crap… Month by Month by Month, Year by year…. and for some 10 to 15 years… of trying….

Don’t worry I’m on your side…. I hear you… I understand….

Or I thought I did until the last 2 weeks….

So why this change of perspective… cough… cough…. 🙂

Well…. I’m in the ‘Maldives’ on hols.

I KNOW!!!!!!!!! I KNOW!!!!!!!!! 🙂 And I have to admit, being here has changed everything for me…. Don’t worry Im not having a mid life crisis… Im not going to go completely nuts and become a ‘Scuba Diving Instructor’ and spend the rest of my life here…. But I have to admit… There were a few moments where I went… ‘What if’ ‘Nahhhhh’ ummmhhhh… Could I…..

So why all the drama, well, its the longest break I have taken in 6 years, 11 days away, in the most amazing wonderful place in the world. Its an island 230 meters in length by 60 meters width…

Normally… I’ll take a few days here and there…. Nice breaks, don’t worry I do treat myself… this time… I took 2 weeks…… at the start I was horrified at the thought… What about the clinic, what about my work…. What about my patients….. And typical… I have 6 patients doing IVF cycles while I’m away.. I really didn’t think I could do it…. Very Very weird I know… I spent a lot of time preparing to go…. Not clothes or sun screen.. But making sure all my patients were ok…. I packed my case the morning we left…… Which was fun…

I even created a plan for the work I was going to do over here…. I had negotiated 1 hour a day with my partner to do some work….. She knows me well.. but 12 days later… absolutely nothing…. I barely checked my email…. I feel now like I have been on this amazing ‘Digital Detox’….. My mind is clear… enjoying every second I spend with Ann…. Walking the beach, holding hands… Snorkelling and following turtles… and of course my favourite hobby of scuba diving every morning.

And then there was my partner being chased by a very pissed off Tigger fish, with me coming to the rescue…. beating him over the head with my ‘GoPro’ camera… poor little dude…. But for such a small fish… He had some attitude… And as I defended ‘Ann’ … like a Knight in Shining armour… I realised something… this little ‘Trigger Fish’ was just protecting himself, protecting his family nest… The best way he could.. similar to my patients, protecting themselves the best way they know how…. there was no telling this little ‘Trigger Fish’ – TO RELAX!!!!!

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So in front of the Indian Ocean… I feel lighter… I feel calmer…. I feel life in me….. I truly now appreciate and understand…. the body being ‘Relaxed’ and the mind being clear……so how to bring that to my patients…

My patients are not relaxed, they are stressed, my patients are not happy, they are sad, my patients are not connected to each other, they are separating further and further from their partners, further from their friends and further away from their families… Their most important support systems… They are dying a slow death, the death of a thousand cuts…. And unfortunately all Im providing is a few bandages….

If I think back the first time myself and my partner met…. The intensity, The excitement… The fun… The all consuming tingles in my heart for her…. (they are not gone….. 🙂 I just forgot I had them….) I let life consume me…. and I forgot….. But now… I remember…. I see again…..

Life is for living, not… dying…. and when I look at my work, when new patients come to see me… I now see and understand their life is dying in front of them, everyone around them sees it… But they don’t know how to help…. how could they….

So I ask you to do 3 things…..

First…. Look at yourself…. truly look deep at your current life…. Whats happening to you right now… Are you dying inside….. Be honest…. Be true to you… And if you are dying slowly inside…. get living your life again…. it can be done. you can do it. you can bring back the excitement for life and live again…

Second… look back when you first meet your partner, those first few weeks… And write down five words about that time…. With the words create a mantra for the future…. Let it be your life jacket, not the anchor holding you down….. stop for a moment and look at your partner… truly look at them..

Third…. Stop being so hard on yourself….. the only one thats being hard on you….. IS YOU…… Its interesting… those that consistently worry for the future come to me suffering from anxiety and those that fixate on the past suffer from what we call depression… So what would happen if we could focus on the present. I am now in the present. and all I can say is wow. You don’t need to be in the Maldives to be in the present, it helps of course. But stop. Breath…. and look… look around you.

And finally, my partner mentioned to me this morning…. That Im looking 10 years younger…. In 10 days, Im looking 10 years younger… Thats actually scared me … Now if I could only bottle this…. Wow…..

See you guys when I get home…. 10 years younger….